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HUMOR, short

"If it was rejected, it’s here."

Brian Lucas Is Alive—Not Undead—and Well in Legal
 


I may have stopped breathing, in the technical sense.


This Might Be Literary
Fiction Because There Are
No Dinosaurs


There is in fact no action of any kind in forty magazine pages.


Predators Will Be
Your Editors
 


Famously long literature shortened by dinosaurs.


POIROT
a detectionary tale
 


in FIVE CHAPTERS
and a PROLOGUE


A Good Pun Is Hard to Find
 
 


But very rewarding.
 


I Have No Idea How to Celebrate Your 6irthday
 


I’m not making fun or anything—honestly, I’m not.


Chasing the Egg MacGuffin
 
 


“I need two hundred dollars
and a shower,” I said.


Single-Paragraph,
Fill-in-the-Blanks
Personal Statements


for Inclusion With Applications
for [Major Life Opportunity]


Now Watch This!
 
 


Most incredible. Timepiece. Ever.


You Have to Tell
Me if You’re a Cop
 


Are you a cop? If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.


Hamlet and Costello
 
 


Welcome to Yorick’s House
of Gibes & Gambols!


Coming Soon:
DICTIONARY GREEN SPELLS IT OUT


For readers of all ages
(but mainly kids 7 to 9).


Paying Two Million Dollars to Option Blank Book Might Have Been a Mistake

We won’t deny that mistakes might have been made.


One Star Too Many
 
 


The Sea Girt Motor Lodge
is nothing of the sort.


Even Though I Won the Lottery, I‘m Not Going to Quit My Job

The odds of winning
are 175,711,536 to 1.


The Meshugge Foes of
Spider-Mensch
 


‘Nuff said, Jew believers!
 


A, B, etC.
 
 


“Enjoy! Or don’t.
I couldn’t care less.”


Flagging Interest
 
 


This incident prompted me to review the rules of flag protocol.


Our New Zoo Is Now
No-Pun for Business
 


“You really should check out these otters!”


My Lottery Ticket Was Defective, So I’m Going to Need My Dollar Back

I’m not poor, but I’m not what you’d call “good with money.”


Acute Patience
 
 


I have just returned home
from a visit with my doctor.


“Blow a whistle
while you work...”
 


Whistleblowing is encouraged by the federal government


You Should Be
Ashamed of Myself
 


I have a bachelor of arts degree in rotary lawn mower repair.


Clues
 
 


1 ACROSS: Month we met
9 DOWN: STD you gave me


I Misread Your
Craigslist Posting...
 


I suppose I should apologize
for sending this email.


The Incorporated Village
of Back Bight Park
“Welcomes” You


Humming is not permitting. Singing is a capital offense.


Official Rules for My New Online Multiplayer Letter Tile Game, Angry Words

There’s no J, no X, only one V, and seven fewer Es.


Do What You Love,
Charges Might Follow
 


Does every week start with the Monday Morning Blues?


TV Tried
 
 


Nine television shows coming and going soon.


Shh! New Rules for This  Railroad’s Expanded
“Quiet Car” Program


Remain calm and take only infrequent, shallow breaths.


Freegankashruth
 
 


Don’t worry: We don’t expect you to fight rats for scraps!


• • •  — — —  • • • 
 
 


The unthinkable happens to the unsinkable.


Pardon Me, Would You Mind Not Comparing...
 


... my newborn daughter’s stool to Grey Poupon?


Straight Answers to Some More Rhetorical Riddles
 


Why wouldn’t you read
this piece?


Taking You for a Ride
 
 


New fares and fare policies take effect tomorrow!


Putting the Y in TEAM
 
 


When we’re done, everyone gets a trophy!


Camping Season
 
 


They sell tents, stoves, food, and clothes in stores, don’t they?


F.A.Q.: Welcome to the
Black & White Zoo!
 


Isn’t this zoo racist? This seems pretty racist.


We’re Raising Your Subscription Price, But We’ve Updated Our Icon!

I’m writing to assure you that, yes, we are raising our prices.


Choose Your Own Advantage
 


If you’re “ethnic,” click here.
If you’re not “ethnic,” click here.


The Four New Fallacies
 
 


Contrary to popular belief, not everything is about sex.


A Timely Confession
 
 


I think about sex only
every nine seconds.


To Those Whose Bathroom Telephone Conversations I've Disrupted...

An open letter.
Maybe too open.


Can You Ship It?
 
 


Bees—live or dead—may
not be mailed.


“Boner Jones,
Attorney at Large“
 


This being Act One of the pilot episode.


No, I Am Not Batman...!
 
 


As most of you know, Batman is a fictional character.


No* Fee** Until***
You Win****
 


Hire the lawyers of Oppen & Schutt, LLP.


Paying for the Urb: FAQs
 
 


This is the opera, not a monster truck rally.


This Year, Let’s Get the Memo Back Into 
Memorial Day


The best-known memo is the Gettysburg Announcement.


Staten Island:
A Visitor’s Guide
 


You can’t make this stuff up.
 


We’re Sick of You Lording It Over Us, John Portwright, Lord of Duxarse Manor

“Come to think of it, aren’t you actually somebody’s vassal?”


Before We Debate Gun Control, We First Need to Agree on Some Terms

Every serious argument needs
a vocabulary.


Selected scenes from Musical!—a one-man,
one-act play


“Yes, Mr. President, it sure is. Damned depressing.”


 Keeping Hal in Halloween
 
 


The true meaning of Halloween has become obscured.


 Uh, oh. It’s magic.
 
 


“A round of applause for the woman who sneezed!”


The Worst Defense
 
 


“I might have forgotten all about criminal law...”


This Winter, I’m Going to Wear a Sweater Vest
 


“Really? Why? Are you going to be an adjunct professor?”


Qu’accuse...!
An Open Letter From Mrs. Mallard’s First Brood


We hired a private duck to tail you, Mr. Mallard.


The Great Vowel Grift
 
 


“Advertising today is
ineffectual rubbish.”


Life Is for the Livers
 
 


Why are we here? What comes next? Where, exactly, is “here”?


Founder’s Remarks Upon Cutting the Ribbon at the
1-800-BURGERS.biz...


...Flagship Store at 47th Street and Broadway.


If You Like X...
 
 


Let’s be honest right up front:
X was a tough sell.


The New Manuscript Formatting Standard
 


Never bold anything, except to call attention to it.


Reading Group Guide
to Accompany My
Forthcoming Novella


Do you think the author is a good writer?


 Spoiler Alert!
 
 


Welcome to the first edition of “1,000 Words, 0 Spoilers.”


“Back Off, Man.
I'm a Franchisor.”
 


Dear Drs. Stantz, Spengler,
and Venkman...


Testimonials Our Image Consultant Told Us to Leave Off the Firm’s Website

“Who knew that you can actually bribe a judge?”


Casi-NO Royale
 
 


Really, Mr. Fleming: SMERSH?
 


Picking the Right One 
 
 


Fifty-six friends from high school? That’s ridiculous.


Create My Own Pasta? Assolutamente! 
 


My pasta will be square, flat, and made of beef.


So Who Wants a Tepper Bros. Bread Torus Already?
 


Of course we’ve got flagels
and squagels!


The Buffoon and the Countryman and Another Countryman

How, exactly, would the Countryman best the Buffoon?


Matthew
David
Brozik


Wordsmithy. Fictioneer.
Lone Punman.



(Plus: Pieces Past Their Prime!)

Extinct/Distinct
 
 


I mean this in the most scientific way possible: Duh.


If Battleship Makes
Any Money at All...
 


Jenga is Die Hard
in a building....


Spatial Profiling
 
 


Excuse me? 715 exoplanets?
Seven hundred fifteen?


Circle of Lunch
 
 


I have no intention of sugar-coating the gruesome facts.


Frag Fiction
 
 


An Irish child frolicking in a heather field last spring....


Right Typers
 
 


Is every single thing about your current computer distracting?


Giraffes Are Elephants, Too
 
 


The letters of ELEPHANT can be rearranged to spell GIRAFFE.


Saddest. Movie. Ever.
 
 


Ideally, when people leave the theater, it will be raining.


In With the Nuance
 
 


You’re either moving forward or you’re moving backward.


A Little Pizza Advice
 
 


Always take napkins. Lots and lots of napkins.


Fair Is Fair
 
 


Perhaps we could step behind that deep-fried rennet stand...


Lost and Found
 
 


The Higgs boson has turned up
among Amelia Earhart’s effects.


A Reporter Resigns
 
 


With a heavy heart, Clark Kent leaves the Daily Planet.


The Real Problem
 
 


You’re on a game show and given the choice of 3 doors...


Swindler’s List
 
 


Supervillain replaced bald eagle with fake: Los Angeles police.


The Impertinence
of Being Steve
 


Steve is a friend of mine from college. You don’t know him.


C-3PO Answers
Your Questions
 


How long ago, and how far, far away, exactly?


Coming Soon: 2015!
 
 


Back to the Future Part II gave the world a prescient preview.


Second Chance in the
First Degree
 


Let the record show that I’m winking at the interviewee.


Advice for the Daughter
I Actually Have
 


“Do not fall in love with anyone who lives on an asteroid.”


Please, Czech Your Facts
 
 


Read this, in order not
to be confused.


Hoang Jury
 
 


Juror number 7, you used to be a woman. And now you’re a man.


Viral Rivalry
 
 


“How come we never hear about East Nile Virus?”


Downhill After Death
 
 


The late Frank Capra’s best days are behind him.


Perfect Time for Change
 
 


The previous perfect time for a change was this time last year.


How I Meted Your Mother
 
 


“Kids, it’s only fair that I tell you how I disposed of her corpse.”


Door Prices
 
 


Baseball players are to
use the sliding door.