Of course we’ve got flagels and squagels—what kind of second-rate bagel store would Toruno Bros. be if we didn’t? But we’ve also got so much more in our wire bins! Including:
Invagels— inverted bagels. The crispy exterior—along with whatever you like on top (salt, sesame seeds, dried onion bits, garlic, chocolate chips, everything)—is on the inside! (How? That’s a family secret!)
Elongels—twice as long as a regular bagel, half as wide, just as tasty.
Upsy-dagels—the toppings are on the bottom!
Hagels—dialectical and delectable.
Silicagels. (Do not eat.)
Rigels—the best and brightest of our onion bagels. (Not onion? Orion? What...? )
Beagels—bagels with slices of hot dog baked right in!
Gogels—satirical, supernatural, and wrapped for takeout.
And we even have bagels that have no holes and aren’t boiled before they’re baked... resulting in a much softer, less dense and chewy product, which we adorn with poppy seeds or leave plain. We call these “rolls.”
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.