Act One of the Pilot Episode of “Boner Jones, Attorney at Large”
[Offices of JONES, McCANN, BLOCH & FARNHAM, ESQS. Main Conference Room. Present are RICHARD McCANN, JAMES BLOCH and HENRY FARNHAM.]
McCANN: “Gentlemen, we can’t wait any longer. I’ve got a deposition at 10 a.m.”
BLOCH: “Agreed. Let’s begin. Hank?”
FARNHAM: “Sure. First item: We have to file our motion for a writ of habeas corpus——”
[FARNHAM is interrupted by a voice coming from under the conference room table. BRADLEY JONES, who has been sleeping down there, appears.]
JONES: [Yawning] “More like habeas snore-pus, am I right?” [AUDIENCE APPLAUSE] “Boring!” [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
McCANN: “Nice of you to finally join us, Mr. Jones.”
[SOUND AUDIENCE MAKES WHEN SOMEONE GETS IN TROUBLE]
JONES: “Sorry, guys. I was here late giving my new secretary a typing test. You know... to see if she’s my type.” [JONES MAKES A RISQUÉ GESTURE]
[SEXUAL INNUENDO NOISE FROM AUDIENCE]
FARNHAM: [Coughs] “As I was saying, our client is facing execution by the State. We know the prosecution manufactured evidence, but we haven’t yet been able to put our fingers on anything specific.”
JONES: “I knew someone in prostitution who let me put my fingers——”
BLOCH: “An innocent man’s life is at stake!”
JONES: “Whoa. Who pissed in your briefcase?”
BLOCH: “Bradley, please tell me you did not urinate in my litigation bag again...”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
JONES: “Dudes, call me ‘Boner’! Bradley is my dad’s name!”
McCANN: “Your father’s name is William. The fact that he founded this firm is the only reason you work here.”
BLOCH: “And are now a partner.”
FARNHAM: “And haven’t been disbarred twice already today.”
[AUDIENCE: OooOOOoooh!]
BLOCH: [To AUDIENCE] “Please stop that. This is very serious.”
McCANN: “How did they even get in here?”
JONES: “I invited them. And I’m giving everyone a company car!”
[WILD AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]
FARNHAM: “You are not!”
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
JONES: “Not cool, Hank. Totally fraudulent.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
BLOCH: [Muttering] “As if you’d know what constitutes fraud.”
JONES: “Only the intentional misrepresentation or concealment by the party of the first part of a fact upon which the party of the second part is meant to rely, and does rely, to his detriment. Brah.”
BLOCH: “You got lucky.”
JONES: “Almost every night!”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHT—]
FARNHAM: “Wait! Say that again...!”
JONES: “I get lucky almost every—”
FARNHAM: “Not that. The thing about the party.”
JONES: “Okay, but you have to say the magic word.”
FARNHAM: “Please!”
JONES: “The other magic word.”
[McCANN, BLOCK and FARNHAM look at each other, confused. JONES looks at the AUDIENCE, cupping a hand to his ear.]
[AUDIENCE: “PLEASE, BONER!”]
FARNHAM: “Please, Boner?”
JONES: [Sheepish] “I forgot what I said.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
FARNHAM: “Never mind. I remember. You mentioned a second party, and that reminded me that the prosecution’s witness who corroborated the victim’s story testified that he’d gone to two parties on the evening in question. He also testified that he didn’t leave the first party until he’d heard them play ‘Sweet Caroline’ during the seventh inning stretch of the Red Sox game. But——”
McCANN: “But they don’t play ‘Sweet Caroline’ until the eighth inning! They play ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ in the seventh!”
BLOCH: “Which means he couldn’t have been at the scene of the crime when he says he was!”
[COLLECTIVE AUDIENCE GASP]
BLOCH: [To AUDIENCE] “Sustained!”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
FARNHAM: “I’ve got to revise our motion papers right away!”
BLOCH: “I’ll contact chambers!”
McCANN: “I’ll speak to local counsel!”
[McCANN, BLOCH, and FARNHAM exit, leaving JONES alone in the conference room.]
JONES: [To AUDIENCE] “Meeting adjourned?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
[END OF ACT ONE]
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.