The Jiving Tree
Once there was a tree... and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide-and-go-seek. And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy loved the tree... very much. And the tree was happy.
But time went by. And the boy grew older. And the tree was often alone. Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said, “Come, Boy, mosey on down and climb down mah’ trunk and swin’ fum mah’ branches and feed da bud apples and play in mah’ shade and be happy. Slap mah fro!”
“I am too big to climb and play,” said the boy. ”I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?”
“I’m so’ry,” said the tree, “but ah’ gots’ no bre’d, ah’ gots’ only leaves and apples. Take mah’ apples, Boy, and sell dem in de city. Knock a self a pro, slick! Den ya’ gots’ta bre’d and ya’ gots’ta be happy.” And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away. And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time... and the tree was sad. And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, “Come, Boy, climb down mah’ trunk and swin’ fum mah’ branches and be happy.”
“I am too busy to climb trees,” said the boy. “I want a house to keep me warm. I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?”
“I gots’ no crib,” said the tree. “De fo’est be my crib, but ya’ may cut off mah’ branches and build some house. What it is, Mama! Den ya’ gots’ta be happy.” And the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house. And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak. “Come, Boy,” she whispered, “Jus’ hang loose.”
“I am too old and sad to play,” said the boy. “I want a boat that can take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?”
“Cut waaay down mah’ trunk and make some boat,” said the tree. “Den ya’ kin sail away… and be happy on da’ med side.” And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away. And the tree was happy... but not really. And after a long time the boy came back again.
“I’s gots’ta be so’ry, Boy,” said the tree, “but ah’ gots’ nodin’ left t’give ya’. My apples be gone.”
“My teeth are too weak for apples,” said the boy.
“My branches be gone,” said the tree. “You’s kinnot swin’ on dem.”
“I am too old to swing on branches,” said the boy.
“My trunk be gone,” said the tree. “You’s kinnot climb.”
“I am too tired to climb,” said the boy.
“Cut me some slack, Jack,” sighed the tree. “I wish dat ah’ could give ya’ sump’n—but ah’ gots’ nodin’ left. Ah’ am plum an old stump.”
“I don’t need very much now,” said the boy. “Just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired.”
“Sheeit,” said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, “Sheeit, an old stump be baaaad fo’ sittin’ and restin’. Come, Boy, sit waaay down. Sit waaay down and rest.” And the boy did. And the tree was happy. Jive ass boy don’t got no brains anyhow.
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.