5'10"
Five-foot-niners
have vaginers.
Five-foot-ten is
where the penis.
Nine Riddles Starring Child Actress Linda Blair
1. What is Linda Blair’s favorite piece of fitness equipment?
The Exorcycle.
2. What did Linda Blair hope for when her mother told her that there would
soon be a new baby in the family?
An Exorsister.
3. Where does Linda Blair keep the rainwater that she collects?
In an Exorcistern.
4. What attraction did Linda Blair enjoy visiting most on her trip to Europe?
The Exorsistine Chapel.
5. In general, what did Linda Blair enjoy most about her trip to Europe?
Turning heads.
6. What was Linda Blair’s favorite part of building rockets at NASA’s Jet
Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena?
Projectile grommetting.
7. To what position with NASA was Linda Blair promoted?
Exorsystems Analyst.
8. What did Linda Blair take as her rapping/producing name between June
2001 and August 2005?
“P. Soup.”
9. Where does Linda Blair keep her Oscar® statuette for her work in
“The Exorcist”?
The 1973 Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress went to
Tatum O’Neal.
Neurotic Cakes
with Lauren Krueger
Anxieteacake
Hysteriamisu
Black Forest of Depression Cake
Pineapple Upside Down and Very Lethargic Cake
Battenberg Spouse Syndrome
Post-Traumatic Soufflé Disorder
Obssessive-Croquembouche
Panettone Attack
Who Moved My Cheesecake
Orehnjaca Fixation
Chocolate Cupcakes With Vanilla Isolation
Not Worth Babka
Lost Marble Cake
Just Plain Madeleine, All the Time
Cynical Pie
When Lawyers Name Cars
Buick Leasehold
Cadillac Escrowee
Chevrolet Novation
Pontiac Custom Estoppel
Toyota Supra
Ford Tortious
Lincoln Continuance
Mercury Grand Jury
Lamborghini Prima Facie
Volkswagen Beadle
Acura Integration Clause
Honda Accord and Satisfaction
Nissan 501(c)(3)
Hyundai Scienter
Mazda Miranda
Subaru Forensic
Chrysler Trade Secret
Dodge Rem
Jeep Warranty
Colors included in recalled box of eight crayons (made in China)
Better lead than Red
Orange you glad it’s not uranium?
Yellow? Poison control hotline...
Sickly Green
Blue-Gray, the natural color of lead
Violet nausea
High White blood cell count
Plumber’s Black
Legal Documents I’d Like to Draft
Superpower of Attorney
Notice of Appearance of Unexplained Lights in the Sky
Certificate of Use of Assumed Name Much Cooler Than My Own
New Lease on Life
Stipulation to End All Stipulations
Affirmation of Self-Worth
12-Gauge Mortgage
You Demand
Last Will Hunting
Subpoena Duces Wild
Been there, done that...
...bought the T-shirt....ordered the transcript.
...wrote the postcard, but forgot to mail it until I got home.
...chugged the milk.
...commemorated the date in rhinestones on my jean jacket.
...filled out the customer satisfaction survey [5, 5, 5, 4, 5].
...named a star with the International Star Registry.
...took the Sweet’N Low.
...left my bathing suit in the motel room and debated calling the office and asking the manager to ship it to me.
...issued an Executive Order declaring a federal state of extreme satisfaction.
...used Photoshop to take out the red eyes from my photos (and also tried to move my hairline forward some, but that’s really not easy to do).
...paid $12.95 for a miniature license plate with my name on it.
...started a blog.
Names for organization publications that would be as/more incongruous as/than the International Journal of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Grapevine
with Rachel Summer Claire Friedman
The Beef (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)
The Beat (Support Network for Battered Women)
The Dirt (Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation)
The Keepsake (Clutterer’s Anonymous)
The Tipsheet (Gambler’s Anonymous)
Last Words (American Association of Retired Persons)
The Sun (American Melanoma Foundation)
The Mirror (International Dyslexia Association)
The Spectator (National Federation of the Blind)
The Voice (National Association of the Deaf)
Chewing the Fat (Overeaters Anonymous)
The Ledger (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)
The Chronicle (Narcotics Abusers Recovery Concern)
The Record (Alzheimer’s Association)
The Periodical-Cryer (Seasonal Affective Disorder Association)
The Straight Shooter (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Alliance)
Loose Lips (Sex Addicts Anonymous)
The Register (Recovering Sex Offenders Anonymous)
Selected examples from a recent study claiming a correlation between uncommon/uncommonly spelled names and disposition toward juvenile crime
Gavrilo (juvenile political assassination)
Nero (juvenile matricide)
Butch (juvenile train robbery)
Bruno (juvenile kidnapping)
Julius (juvenile conspiracy to commit espionage)
Judas (juvenile accepting of a bribe)
Rickey (juvenile base stealing)
Bam Bam (juvenile assault)
Giacomo Girolamo Casanova (juvenile adultery)
Vegetables to complement (or, in a pinch, substitute for) black-eyed peas
blemished carrots
shamed tomatoes
stigmatized lettuce
dishonored squash
stained olives
disgraced cauliflower
endives of infamy
corn
Three commercial establishments a devout Catholic probably wouldn’t patronize...
Pontius’ Pilates Studio
Ho-Ho-Kus Po-Po-Cus Magick Shoppe
Premarital Sectionals
...and one that he or she might
Agnus DeliInadequate subjects for a “Top Ten” list
1. Days of the week
2. Active Supreme Court justices
3. Die Hard Movies
4. Golden Girls
5. States that begin with “New”
6. Albums by the Gin Blossoms
7. Seasons
8. Sides of a coin
9. Habitable planets in our solar system
Defective Trivial Pursuit card (Genus Edition)
People & Places: Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried?
Arts & Entertainment: Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
History: Who killed JFK?
Science & Nature: What is the biological basis of consciousness?
Sports & Leisure: Where have all the 1925-26 Kansas City Cowboys gone?
Wild Card: How do you know when it’s love?
Thirteen professional opportunities for women, titled in strict Latin
editrix
predatrix
doctrix
senatrix
negotiatrix
mediatrix
arbitratrix
conciliatrix
traitrix
instigatrix
procrastinatrix
Skeletrix (on Eternia)
alligatrix
JAPSOLUT varieties
with Rachel Summer Claire Friedman
JAPSOLUT Vodka. Has a rich, unpretentious flavor, smooth and mellow with a distinct menschadik character.
Japsolut CHAI. 180 proof.
Japsolut NACHES. For circumcisions, marriages, and other special occasions. Japsolut NACHES has a robust, proud, complex taste of vanilla with hints of dark chocolate.
Japsolut ETROG. Infused with fragrant citrus peel, ETROG provides medicinal relief from seasickness and pulmonary and intestinal ailments. Mix with Three Species™ tonic for a tasty “Tabernacle.”
Japsolut GAPHILTA. A concoction of modest origin, being an admixture of several other common, inexpensive vodkas. Sometimes slightly sweet; sometimes slightly savory. Mix with Japsolut MAROR for the perfect pre-dinner aperitif.
Japsolut BORSCHT. A vodka with a smooth taste, with a sophisticated character of Russian beets. Perfect for reminiscing about a meal at the Nevele or Grossingers.
Japsolut HERING. A strong, creamy flavor. Wild and intense like the sea, perfect for an after-kiddush shot.
Japsolut KNISH. Made from 100% potatoes, with hints of chives. Deli-cious.
Japsolut MANA. Light on the palate as the morning dew itself, white in color, tastes of milk and honey, and maybe a little coriander.
Japsolut BLINTZ. Rich and creamy, with the fresh delicate taste of blueberries and a long fruity aftertaste.
Japsolut LOX. Salty.
Japsolut MAROR. Aromatic, complex and spicy—this is JAPSOLUT MAROR without question, much less four. With hints of endive and dandelion, MAROR has the distinctive character of freedom and redemption. Perfect for celebrating bittersweet milestones, such as graduating from medical school or finally moving out of one’s parents’ house.
Rejected Wodehouse Titles
Wipe My Bum, Jeeves
High Five, Jeeves!
Have You Seen My Revolver, Jeeves?
Episode V: The Butler Strikes Back
Your Fly is Open, Jeeves
No More Opium for Me, I Think, Jeeves
So, Jeeves, What Do You Think About This Hitler Bloke?
Jeeves and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Jesus, Jeeves, Knock First!
What Does Marsellus Wallace Look Like, Jeeves?
Not So Rough, Jeeves
What I did not win upon scratching off a New York Lottery “$500 A WEEK FOR LIFE” ticket
$10.00
$250
$20.00
$1.00
$100
$500 a week for life
Selected Tradespersons of Medieval Framptonshire
with Lauren Krueger
Steve Miller
Alice Cooper
Anita Baker
Karen Carpenter
John Taylor
Andy Taylor
Roger Tayor
Natalie Merchant
James Taylor
Judas Priest
Thelonious Monk
Rufus Wainwright
LL Cool J
Ron Sexsmith
Ways arguably less awkward than the obvious to complete the announcement, “Standby passengers, please...”
...hold on.
...hang out.
...chill, baby, baby, chill, baby, baby, wait.
...stick around.
...continue to loiter near to here.
...stay put.
...tarry. (College Park Airport, Maryland, circa 1909.)
Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackboard
1
I’ve written my name on the blackboard.
Now you’ll be able to spell it properly,
But you still won’t be able to pronounce it.
2
Why the hell do we call it a blackboard when it’s obviously green?
3
Whoever can solve for x first, put your answer on the blackboard.
(Incorrect. Sit down. Someone else, please?)
4
Do that again.
No, really, do it again.
Scrape your nails on the blackboard.
And I swear I’ll kill you.
5
It is not an “African-American board.”
It is a blackboard.
6
If you hide a piece of chalk in an eraser,
When the teacher tries to clean the blackboard,
He or she will make things worse!
7
Bart Simpson!
Why can’t you pay attention?
You will stay after class today and write,
MILHOUSE DOES NOT HAVE SHINGLES
On the blackboard.
8
draobkcalb is blackboard backward.
9
You know those whiteboards they have now?
You write on them with dry-erase markers?
I knew someone who once asked to borrow a dry-erase marker but was given a permanent marker and wound up totally ruining her whiteboard.
That doesn’t happen with blackboards.
10
A professor I had in college once told my class
That he’d had a professor in college
Who’d come into their class one day and said he’d lecture about whatever was
Still on the blackboard from whatever class had been in the room before them,
Even if it was another discipline entirely.
And he did!
My professor said that he’d like to try that one day,
But he never did it while I had him.
11
“Board of color” instead of blackboard?
That’s just ridiculous, Malcolm.
12
Wait!
Don’t use wet paper towels to clean the blackboard!
That’s never going to dry.
13
HAVE A GREAT SUMMER!
Rodent friends and acquaintances of Eager Beaver
Baby, Let’s Play House Mouse
At the Drop of a Hat Rat
Ripped Hunk Chipmunk
Get Up in Mine Porcupine
Cheap Whore Jerboa
Harlot Marmot
Good Fuck Woodchuck
Asshole Vole