Rise of the Planet of the Blanks
With the enormous popularity of Rise of the Planet of the Apes comes the responsibility to write something parodic, but because the original work is, by design, accessible to the masses (being a big-budget summer movie about a scientific breakthrough that has unforeseen consequences—to wit, giving human-level intelligence to primates), therefore the optimal parody would be necessarily esoteric, or at least seemingly so.
Accordingly the parodist, iPad in hands, pecks out “Rise of the Planet of the Apps,” and chuckles... but then checks himself, for where could such a title lead? To a story of a scientific breakthrough that gives human-level intelligence to computer programs? Has the parodist not seen War Games? Or Terminator? (And besides, isn’t there an Angry Birds movie already in production?)
So the parodist grudgingly begins his journey through the alphabet, considering in turn a limited assortment of words that rhyme with “Apes,” weighing the relative merits of each and the likely breadth and depth of material that a planet of such things would offer up.
Planet of the Capes. The article of costuming... or the geographic feature? Either one is a nonstarter.
Planet of the Crepes. Interesting. Come back to it.
Planet of the Drapes.
Planet of the Frappes? Too far a stretch. Besides, not everyone pronounces that word the same way.
Planet of the G... rapes! Imagine a planet of sentient grapes? That’s terrific. Save.
Planet of the Japes? Nobody uses that word any more.
Planet of the Napes? Nope.
Planet of the R— ...er, just move on.
Planet of the Scapes. Scrapes. Planet of the Shapes. Planet of the Snapes! (Too juvenile?)
Tapes. Taupes. Planet of the Toupees. “Rise of the Planet of the Apes with Toupees....”
Focus!
But that’s it. He has come to the end. It’s “Rise of the Planet of the Crepes” or “Rise of the Planet of the Grapes.”
Unless... What if it’s “Apps” not as in “applications” but as in “appetizers”? Would that work? What if a scientific breakthrough had the unforeseen consequences of giving sentience to buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers....
That’s stupid, the parodist thinks. Just go with the grapes.
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.