A 33-story glassy tower rising on Manhattan‘s waterfront will offer all the extras that a condo buyer paying up to $25 million would expect, like concierge service, entertainment rooms, and unobstructed views of the Hudson River and miles beyond. The project will also cater to renters who make no more than about $50,000. They will not share the same perks, and they will also not share the same entrance.
From: Officious Management Company To: Imperious Tower Community Re: Permitted Entrances
There appears to be some confusion about who may use which of the various entrances to the building. Please remember that your ownership or rental agreement expressly requires you to use only the designated entrance to the premises for your class and no other. As a courtesy, a schedule of classes and appropriate entrances is set out below.
Class 1: Owners ($21M-$25M condo units)
Those who own a premium unit at Imperious Tower are entitled to use the handmade, imported, frosted glass-and-gold main entrance of the building and are not required to identify themselves to any member of the building staff, who are expected to recognize all Class 1 Owners by sight and never to make eye contact with any of them. Class 1 Owners may come and go as they please, at all hours of the day and night, and are permitted to bring with them into the premises as many guests of any ilk as they desire to. Building staff will not keep track of how many Class 1 Owner guests arrive at the building and how many leave, nor will building staff judge any Class 1 Owner by the appearance, diction, or likely profession of any person escorting that Owner to his or her unit.
Class 2: Owners ($11M-$20M condo units)
Class 2 Owners may enter the building by way of the wrought iron-and-glass door. Class 2 Owners may also enter the building through the main entrance if they can slip in behind a Class 1 Owner and manage not to touch the actual door themselves. No building staff member will stand between a Class 2 Owner and the Hudson River, to ensure that views remain unobstructed.
Class 3: Owners (condo units up to $10M)
Class 3 Owners/Supporting Members may enter Imperious Tower via the rustic knotty Brazilian Mahogany door and are welcome to take a cookie from the doorman station. Availability of cookies will vary throughout the day and can not be guaranteed.
Class 4: Subletters (all condo units)
Those persons who do not own a unit in the building but are paying an Owner of any Class for the temporary privileges of residing in an Owner‘s unit and being seen coming and going from Imperious Tower are permitted to enter and exit only through the stained, vertical grain Douglas fir French door situated around the corner from the Owners‘ Entrances. Building staff is not required to acknowledge subletters, and subletters are reminded that no sublet arrangement may exceed twelve months in duration. Also, subletters are not permitted to have food delivered to the building, although they may bring food in with them. (Allowed and disallowed takeout cuisines will be addressed in a separate memorandum.)
Class 5: Domestic staff (all condo units)
Au pairs, babysitters, boot boys, butlers, charwomen, cooks, footmen, governesses, housekeepers, knaves, lackeys, laundresses, librarians, maids, masseurs/masseuses, nannies, personal trainers, personal shoppers, scullery maids, and secretaries are reminded to use the clearly marked Servant‘s Door on the side of the building. An Owner‘s valet or batman may enter through his Owner‘s door if accompanying his Owner. (The Batman may enter and exit as he pleases and is welcome to use the roof.) Chauffeurs are expected to use only the aluminum-and-laminated-glass garage door (with “passing door”) in the rear of the building. Personal doormen are to be discouraged from “talking shop” with the building doormen.
Class 6A: White-Collar Professionals
Doctors (medical), lawyers, accountants (Certified Public), and C-level corporate officers will please use the white hardwood door on the side of the building.
Class 6B: Blue-Collar Tradespersons
All skilled or unskilled manual laborers—including but not limited to those in the fields of manufacturing, sanitation, construction, maintenance, installation, plumbing, carpentry, osteopathy, chiropractic, and general accounting—are to use the blue balsa wood door on the side of the building.
Class 7: Firefighters
A simple heat-resistant fiberglass door can be found in the rear of the building for use by firemen and affiliated emergency workers.
Class 8: The President of the United States
Because of the unparalleled luxury of Imperious Tower, one premium unit of the building is always kept unoccupied in case the President of the United States should be in town but unable to secure hotel or embassy accommodations. In the event that POTUS is amenable to staying on the premises, the Secret Service will be advised of the location of a hidden, heavily armored door that can be sealed against biochemical attacks. Building staff are trained to be unflaggingly respectful and discreet, regardless of political affiliation or citizenship status.
Class 9: Miscellaneous
Class 10: Renters, Panhandlers, and Process Servers
Those individuals who are (a) paying a monthly fee to live in Imperious Tower, (b) homeless and looking for a handout, and/or (c) at the premises to hand-deliver legal papers may violate the building only by passing through the tattered, soiled sheet hanging in the alley-side doorway behind which is a flight of stairs that leads to the cellar of the building. Neither the structural soundness nor the presence of the stairs is guaranteed. All persons in class 10 are subject to a rough physical search, a literacy test, and ridicule before being permitted to enter the toxic mold maze that leads, eventually, to an exit on the other side of the building. No readmission.
Domestic or tamed animal companions of any Class 1, 2, or 3 Owner may enter the building via the appropriate Owner Entrance replica pet doors immediately adjacent to each respective Owner Entrance. Toy dogs may be carried into the premises by Owners and are welcome to take a dog treat from the doorman station. Cats are not allowed.
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.