Ladies! Do you like men? Have you been trying to find a man to go on dates with? Have you been wholly unsuccessful in your search? One of these might be the one you’re looking for:
Harold Goldman, 47, is the mensch your mother wants you to marry, if your mother cares about your future financial security more than she cares about whether there’s any passion in your marriage. Harold Goldman is a certified public accountant—for the mob, no less! And each month for the past ten years, he’s helped himself to a little off the top here and there. (Why not? your mother wants to know. He’s worth it!) Unfortunately, the “wiseguys” he works for might be getting wise to him... so while he’s not quite Houdini, he might wind up disappearing soon all the same. (And you’re not getting any younger.) Interested? Don’t delay: Harry!
Perhaps you’ve been dreaming of someone younger, handsomer, and less likely to be murdered? Then consider Timothy Moore. He’s tall! He’s a semi-successful musician! He’s available, and he might even consider becoming involved with you... but you won’t want to wait to get his attention because his batshit crazy ex-fiancée is coming into town next week and she’s hoping to rekindle their romance. So act now, because Tim is running out!
Maybe you like a man who knows his way around machinery. Maybe you’d enjoy the company of Bradley Hammer. Raised on a farm, this stud has a can-do, devil-may-care attitude, which is how he wound up losing a fight with a multi-crop thresher as a teenager. But fifteen years later, thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, he’s new, improved, all-stitched-up, and no longer in a coma... and now he’s truly the best thing since sliced Brad!
Richard Young, federal inmate 24561-350. Mischievous but muscular as all get out. Currently incarcerated but eligible for early release. And if and when he’s paroled, he’s going to be an eligible bachelor (slash widower)! Will you be one of the many awaiting his return to civilized society? You’d better take a number of your own, then, because it’s going to be all hands on Dick!
He can fix things, cooks a tasty lasagna, and isn’t afraid to apologize when he’s wrong. In short, Matthew Price is quite the catch. But he’s young and not ready for anything serious right now, so you’re going to have to knock him out, stuff him in a sack, and drag him back to your place. If you manage to do that, though... well, you won’t want to let this Matt out of the bag!
Do you wake up every morning to the same old Allan, William, or Robert? Do you find yourself spending a lot of time at work thinking about not going home? Do you sometimes think it wouldn’t be so bad if William or Robert got drafted into the Army, Navy, or even the Merchant Marine, whatever that is? If you’re being completely honest with yourself, are you tired of life with Robert? You need a Quentin T! Quentin T. is anything but boring! Quentin T. is unlike any other man you’ve ever known, one of a kind, truly unique. Indeed, you might even say that Quentin T.’s are—— well, actually, Quentin T. is kind of a jerk, so never mind. Maybe just keep your day Bob.
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.