Arms, n. 1. Weapons and ammunition. 2. The two upper limbs of the human body, starting at the shoulders and extending to the hands from which you’ll have to pry my weapons and ammunition when said hands are cold and dead.
Assault, adj. Modifying “rifle,” rapid-fire, magazine-fed, automatic, and unquestionably necessary for hunting deer, rabbits, salmon, and other game and fish.
Automatic, adj. 1. Modifying “weapon,” self-loading and able to fire continuously until the ammunition is exhausted or the pressure on the trigger is released. 2. Done or occurring spontaneously, without conscious thought or intention, such as the necessary rejection of any suggestion that guns are bad; knee-jerk.
Bullet, n. A projectile for firing from a rifle, revolver, or other small firearm, typically made of metal, cylindrical and pointed, and sometimes containing an explosive. Contrast “cartridge,” a casing containing a charge and a bullet or shot for small arms.
Conservative. 1. adj. Holding to traditional attitudes and values. 2. n. Someone who knows the difference between a bullet and a cartridge.
Constitution, n. A document written more than two centuries ago, amended ten times almost immediately after its adoption and then a further 17 times, which nonetheless provides in a single sentence of fewer than thirty words sufficient and unassailable permission for me to own all the guns I please.
God, proper name. The divine source of every red-blooded American’s right to bear arms, of Whose will the United States Constitution is merely a means of transmission.
Gun, n. An otherwise harmless device, the hysteria surrounding which is a diversion from real issues, such as imminent alien invasion, contrail contamination, and evolution, among others.
Gun show, n. A flexing of well-developed muscles of the arms, quod vide.
Knife, n. What you don’t want to bring to a gunfight. Contrast “gun,” a proper, effective mechanism for staying safe in a gunfight.
Law, n. An unnecessary hurdle to gun ownership.
Liberal, adj. Lacking discipline.
Magazine, n. 1. A chamber for holding a supply of cartridges to be fed automatically to the breech of a gun. 2. Any of numerous periodical publications containing articles and illustrations about firearms, including but not limited to Guns & Ammo, Gun Digest, Gun World, Shooting Times, Garden & Gun, Recoil, and Massacre Weekly (previously Monthly).
Open carry, n. the practice of openly carrying a firearm on one's person in public; patriotic. Compare “concealed carry,” slightly less patriotic.
President (of the United States of America) , n. Often, a utterly ineffectual “elected” head of state who routinely neglects myriad responsibilities as “leader” of the executive branch of the federal government and the commander-in-chief of the United States Armed Forces to instead make frequent threats to steal my guns.
Rifle. 1. n. A gun, especially one fired from shoulder level, having a long spirally grooved barrel intended to make a bullet spin and thereby have greater accuracy over a long distance. 2. v. To search through in a hurried way in order to find something: “I rifled through the Constitution but discovered no reason not to read the second half of the Second Amendment literally.”
Silencer, n. What every proponent of stricter gun regulations should be required by law to wear.
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.