Taking You for a Ride
MegaTransMetro Railroad offers you several ticket options, many of which will save you money (compared to the cost of air travel, at least). How much you save will depend on how often you ride, and when you travel, and whether you’re flexible about riding on the outside of the train. The details below will help you determine which ticket type/purchase option will offer the best value. (All fares are based on the price of a one-way prime ticket. Discounts are approximate/illusory.)
One-Way Tickets. Best for occasional riders and those who aren’t sure that rail travel is right for them.
One-Way Prime: Prime travel pricing applies to all northbound weekday, weekend, and holiday morning trains scheduled to arrive at northern terminals between 12:00 a.m. (midnight) and 11:59 p.m. and all southbound trains scheduled to depart northern terminals between 12:01 p.m. and 12:00 p.m. (noon). Valid for five days, not including date of sale.
One-Way Non-Prime: 27% savings. Not valid during prime periods. Valid for 60 days.
Monthly Tickets. Valid for 28 consecutive days (of your choice) in each month. Save 50% (based on 40 one-way rides per month). Not valid September through December.
Weekly Tickets. Valid for unlimited rides for 7 days, Saturday – Friday. Best for commuters who do not work a full calendar month due to vacation, business trips, poor attitude, etc. Save 30% (based on no particular arithmetic).
10-Trip Non-Prime Ticket. Valid for 10 one-way rides (or 5 round-trips), 7 days a week. Perfect for a baseball team and coach (or golf foursome and one caddy who want to return home). Savings: Whatever you want to tell yourself. Valid for 6 months.
Large group tickets. Valid for groups of 30 or more traveling together. Save up to 60%. Best for mandatory evacuations. Please note that tickets purchased on the train will be subject to an additional charge. Because we can. Cash only onboard. Conductors are not required to give change for bills larger than one dollar.
NEW FARES AND FARE POLICIES TAKE EFFECT TOMORROW
New MegaTransMetro fares take effect tomorrow. On average, commuter rail tickets will increase in price by exactly 50%, inasmuch as every ticket will increase in price by 50%.
Other changes include:
- New Military Ticket: All Active Duty military personnel (with an authorized Active Duty ID) will be charged an off-prime fare at all times. Any Active Duty member of the military found on a MegaTransMetro train without a valid leave pass will be charged with desertion.
- Non-Prime tickets will no longer be sold.
- Refunds will be given for unused, unexpired one-way and round-trip tickets returned to a ticket office within fourteen days of purchase, including the date of purchase and seven days prior to the date of purchase. A $10 refund convenience fee will be deducted from the refund amount. If the value of the returned ticket is less than $10, the customer will be responsible to pay the difference when surrendering the unused ticket.
- The entire railroad will be closed for scheduled maintenance for the next two years.
MegaTransMetro Railroad: Taking you for a ride.
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.