The Incorporated Village of Back Bight Park
“Welcomes” You
Greetings, neighbor! Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with the Village regulations below. Our local laws, ordinances, and resolutions have been enacted by your fellow residents to maintain the beauty and quality of life in “the Bight.” Residents are asked to comply with our laws so that Back Bight Park can retain its prestigious yet close-knit feel as a community.
Abandoned Vehicles
The outdoor storage of abandoned or junked motor vehicles within the Village is a hazard to the preservation of the public health, welfare, and safety in that it constitutes health, fire, and safety hazards and is an attractive nuisance to children, which is a peril to their safety. Such outdoor storage constitutes a blight on the Village’s landscape, is generally unsightly, and tends to depreciate the value of property in the neighborhood. Outdoor storage of abandoned or junked motor vehicles within the Village therefore is not allowed. In addition, and for the same reasons, no Village resident shall own any motor vehicle of a model year earlier than three (3) years prior to the current model year, regardless of its condition, except that a Village resident may own a “classic” automobile, so long as such classic vehicle is kept in good working order and has not been tarnished by any aftermarket modifications, including but not limited to racing stripes, spoilers, and novelty horns.
Adultery
Is officially frowned upon but is really nobody’s business but your own.
Animals
The breeding of dogs; the keeping or harboring of more than three (3) dogs, cats, or other permitted animals; and the breeding, keeping, harboring, or riding in the Village of Back Bight Park of chickens, roosters, pigeons, or other fowl and poultry, of pigs, goats, horses, donkeys, cows, cattle, or other livestock, of poisonous reptiles, of skunks and other odorous wild animals, and of monkeys, wildcats, coyotes, wolves, and other large, dangerous, or wild animals and reptiles is a nuisance, and it shall be unlawful for any person to commit or permit any such nuisance. You read that first part right: No more than three dogs, cats, or other permitted animals to a house, which includes fish. No more than three fish. Even if they’re tiny.
Boats
No powerboat, sailboat, scow, barge, canoe, rowboat, or other watercraft or contrivance used on or capable of being used as a means of transportation in water operated upon any waters or waterways situated within the territorial limits of the Village shall display any name that constitutes a nautical pun, such as I Keel You or Yacht’s Happening. Every motorized watercraft must have a muffler.
Fences
Fences may be constructed of woven wood, pickets, wrought iron or aluminum, or a cultivated or natural growth of shrubs or trees. You’re going to want a fence; your neighbor might have as many as three dogs.
Garage Sales, Tag Sales, Yard Sales, etc.
Yeah... these aren’t cool.
Hunting
No person may, within the limits of the Village of Back Bight Park, take, hunt, or trap any wild birds or animals.
Humming
Humming is not permitting out-of-doors in Back Bight Park. Neither is whistling. Singing is a capital offense.
Sidewalks
Back Bight Park has no sidewalks. Sidewalks are for unincorporated areas. If you want sidewalks, maybe take a stroll across the Village border to Bighthurst. Maybe stay there.
Taxation
Even if you cheat on your federal and state income taxes—or evade them entirely—please remember to remit your annual Village taxes, which pay for the private security, sanitation, and sex workers who keep Back Bight Park safe, clean, and happy.
We hope you’ve found this bulletin useful and will refer to it often. If you have any suggestions regarding your village rules, please come to a regularly scheduled Village Board meeting held the second Thursday of each month. No pets or kids allowed.
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.