Clues
ACROSS
1 Month we met
5 Bad habit you helped me kick
9 Your favorite flower
14 What you banged your head against when I first kissed you
15 Item of jewelry I gave you for your birthday
16 What else I gave you for your birthday
17 Holiday we spent with your parents
18 Car I helped your brother fix
19 Place you liked me to put my hand
20 Restaurant where we celebrated our “one-month anniversary”
23 Your favorite kind of dog
24 Romantic comedy everyone else loved but we both thought was dumb
25 Animal you’re allergic to
26 Color you helped me paint my apartment wall
29 Position you didn’t like so I never suggested it again
30 What state you thought my mole looked like
32 Your favorite wine
35 What you always got on the 12th, 13th, 14th, and 15th of every month
36 What I sent your sister money for (twice) while she was on
Spring Break
37 Actor we decided it wouldn’t be considered cheating if you slept with
40 Band you turned me on to
41 Month you liked best for a wedding
42 Place I “accidentally” put my tongue
43 Your second favorite flower
45 Country you thought we should visit together
46 Actress we decided it wouldn’t be considered cheating if I slept with
47 Color of my dress shirt that you took
48 Place we always went for Sunday brunch
49 Place you didn’t like me to put my hand
52 Perfume you always wore, even when I bought you a new one
55 Brand of gum we both chew
58 Your favorite dessert
59 What we agreed would be a good name for our first child,
if it was a boy
60 Actress we decided it totally wouldn’t be considered cheating if you
slept with
61 “No, turn left before the _________!” (inside joke)
62 Store you always carried coupons for
63 Fruit I love that gave you hives
64 Item of clothing you never wore
65 Your favorite flavor of coffee
DOWN
1 What you need to lose at least fifteen of
2 Beginning of first lie I told you
3 What I would never let you do with my car
4 Sport you obviously don’t know the first thing about
5 Club you took me to where I kissed another girl
when you were in the bathroom
6 What you always forgot to bring back from the store
7 What of yours I was always finding in my sink
8 Movie star (animal) you most resemble
9 STD I think you gave me
10 Boy band you made me listen to
11 What your pothead brother can’t hold down
12 What your deadbeat brother smokes too much of
13 Medication people always say you should be on
21 Ridiculous and embarrassing pet name you gave me
22 Middle of first lie I told you
26 Place where I hid your stupid one-eyed teddy bear
27 Religion you pretend to be
28 What you somehow can’t even boil properly
29 Ugliest part of your body, after your feet
30 Card game you suck at
31 “Always a bridesmaid, never a _____”
32 Title of the book you think is “amazing”
33 Store your sister likes to steal from
34 Surgery you should have first
35 What you thought was another word for “penis,” you moron
38 Name of your friend from college who is so much hotter than you
39 Number of times I tried to break up with you before the last time,
in Roman numerals
44 School you never graduated from
45 Disgusting thing you do when you eat
48 Country you were visiting when I slept with your roommate
49 Word my friends use to describe you
50 End of first lie I told you
51 Word my mom uses to describe you
52 Magazine you love but can’t possibly be learning anything from
53 Psychological problem you definitely got from your dad
54 TV show you never understood
55 What I needed to drink seven of before I could sleep with you
56 What we are not anymore
57 “Go ____ yourself.”
Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.