1    Month we met
  5    Bad habit you helped me kick
  9    Your favorite flower
14    What you banged your head against when I first kissed you
15    Item of jewelry I gave you for your birthday
16    What else I gave you for your birthday
17    Holiday we spent with your parents
18    Car I helped your brother fix
19    Place you liked me to put my hand
20    Restaurant where we celebrated our “one-month anniversary”
23    Your favorite kind of dog
24    Romantic comedy everyone else loved but we both thought was dumb
25    Animal you’re allergic to
26    Color you helped me paint my apartment wall
29    Position you didn’t like so I never suggested it again
30    What state you thought my mole looked like
32    Your favorite wine
35    What you always got on the 12th, 13th, 14th, and 15th of every month
36    What I sent your sister money for (twice) while she was on
        Spring Break
37    Actor we decided it wouldn’t be considered cheating if you slept with
40    Band you turned me on to
41    Month you liked best for a wedding
42    Place I “accidentally” put my tongue
43    Your second favorite flower
45    Country you thought we should visit together
46    Actress we decided it wouldn’t be considered cheating if I slept with
47    Color of my dress shirt that you took
48    Place we always went for Sunday brunch
49    Place you didn’t like me to put my hand
52    Perfume you always wore, even when I bought you a new one
55    Brand of gum we both chew
58    Your favorite dessert
59    What we agreed would be a good name for our first child,
        if it was a boy
60    Actress we decided it totally wouldn’t be considered cheating if you
        slept with
61    “No, turn left before the _________!” (inside joke)
62    Store you always carried coupons for
63    Fruit I love that gave you hives
64    Item of clothing you never wore
65    Your favorite flavor of coffee

  1    What you need to lose at least fifteen of
  2    Beginning of first lie I told you
  3    What I would never let you do with my car
  4    Sport you obviously don’t know the first thing about
  5    Club you took me to where I kissed another girl
        when you were in the bathroom
  6    What you always forgot to bring back from the store
  7    What of yours I was always finding in my sink
  8    Movie star (animal) you most resemble
  9    STD I think you gave me
10    Boy band you made me listen to
11    What your pothead brother can’t hold down
12    What your deadbeat brother smokes too much of
13    Medication people always say you should be on
21    Ridiculous and embarrassing pet name you gave me
22    Middle of first lie I told you
26    Place where I hid your stupid one-eyed teddy bear
27    Religion you pretend to be
28    What you somehow can’t even boil properly
29    Ugliest part of your body, after your feet
30    Card game you suck at
31    “Always a bridesmaid, never a _____”
32    Title of the book you think is “amazing”
33    Store your sister likes to steal from
34    Surgery you should have first
35    What you thought was another word for “penis,” you moron
38    Name of your friend from college who is so much hotter than you
39    Number of times I tried to break up with you before the last time,
        in Roman numerals
44    School you never graduated from
45    Disgusting thing you do when you eat
48    Country you were visiting when I slept with your roommate
49    Word my friends use to describe you
50    End of first lie I told you
51    Word my mom uses to describe you
52    Magazine you love but can’t possibly be learning anything from
53    Psychological problem you definitely got from your dad
54    TV show you never understood
55    What I needed to drink seven of before I could sleep with you
56    What we are not anymore
57    “Go ____ yourself.”

Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.

Read more humor here. Or read some fiction here.