I, MDB: Secret Humor Archive

HUMOR, short

"If it was rejected, it’s here."

Brian Lucas Is Alive—Not Undead—and Well in Legal I may have stopped breathing, in the technical sense.	This Might Be Literary Fiction Because There Are No Dinosaurs There is in fact no action of any kind in forty magazine pages.	Predators Will Be Your Editors Famously long literature shortened by dinosaurs.	POIROT a detectionary tale in FIVE CHAPTERS and a PROLOGUE
A Good Pun Is Hard to Find But very rewarding.	I Have No Idea How to Celebrate Your 6irthday I’m not making fun or anything—honestly, I’m not.	Chasing the Egg MacGuffin “I need two hundred dollars and a shower,” I said.	Single-Paragraph, Fill-in-the-Blanks Personal Statements for Inclusion With Applications for [Major Life Opportunity]
Now Watch This! Most incredible. Timepiece. Ever.	You Have to Tell Me if You’re a Cop Are you a cop? If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.		Hamlet and Costello Welcome to Yorick’s House of Gibes & Gambols!
Coming Soon: DICTIONARY GREEN SPELLS IT OUT For readers of all ages (but mainly kids 7 to 9).	Paying Two Million Dollars to Option Blank Book Might Have Been a Mistake We won’t deny that mistakes might have been made.	One Star Too Many The Sea Girt Motor Lodge is nothing of the sort.	Even Though I Won the Lottery, I‘m Not Going to Quit My Job The odds of winning are 175,711,536 to 1.
The Meshugge Foes of Spider-Mensch ‘Nuff said, Jew believers!		A, B, etC. “Enjoy! Or don’t. I couldn’t care less.”	Flagging Interest This incident prompted me to review the rules of flag protocol.
Our New Zoo Is Now No-Pun for Business “You really should check out these otters!”	My Lottery Ticket Was Defective, So I’m Going to Need My Dollar Back I’m not poor, but I’m not what you’d call “good with money.”	Acute Patience I have just returned home from a visit with my doctor.	“Blow a whistle while you work...” Whistleblowing is encouraged by the federal government
You Should Be Ashamed of Myself I have a bachelor of arts degree in rotary lawn mower repair.	Clues 1 ACROSS: Month we met 9 DOWN: STD you gave me	I Misread Your Craigslist Posting... I suppose I should apologize for sending this email.	The Incorporated Village of Back Bight Park “Welcomes” You Humming is not permitting. Singing is a capital offense.
Official Rules for My New Online Multiplayer Letter Tile Game, Angry Words There’s no J, no X, only one V, and seven fewer Es.	Do What You Love, Charges Might Follow Does every week start with the Monday Morning Blues?		TV Tried Nine television shows coming and going soon.
Shh! New Rules for This Railroad’s Expanded “Quiet Car” Program Remain calm and take only infrequent, shallow breaths.	Freegankashruth Don’t worry: We don’t expect you to fight rats for scraps!	• • • — — — • • • The unthinkable happens to the unsinkable.	Pardon Me, Would You Mind Not Comparing... ... my newborn daughter’s stool to Grey Poupon?
Straight Answers to Some More Rhetorical Riddles Why wouldn’t you read this piece?	Taking You for a Ride New fares and fare policies take effect tomorrow!	Putting the Y in TEAM When we’re done, everyone gets a trophy!
Camping Season They sell tents, stoves, food, and clothes in stores, don’t they?	F.A.Q.: Welcome to the Black & White Zoo! Isn’t this zoo racist? This seems pretty racist.	We’re Raising Your Subscription Price, But We’ve Updated Our Icon! I’m writing to assure you that, yes, we are raising our prices.	Choose Your Own Advantage If you’re “ethnic,” click here. If you’re not “ethnic,” click here.
	The Four New Fallacies Contrary to popular belief, not everything is about sex.
A Timely Confession I think about sex only every nine seconds.	To Those Whose Bathroom Telephone Conversations I've Disrupted... An open letter. Maybe too open.	Can You Ship It? Bees—live or dead—may not be mailed.	“Boner Jones, Attorney at Large“ This being Act One of the pilot episode.
No, I Am Not Batman...! As most of you know, Batman is a fictional character.		No* Fee Until* You Win**** Hire the lawyers of Oppen & Schutt, LLP.	Paying for the Urb: FAQs This is the opera, not a monster truck rally.
This Year, Let’s Get the Memo Back Into Memorial Day The best-known memo is the Gettysburg Announcement.	Staten Island: A Visitor’s Guide You can’t make this stuff up.	We’re Sick of You Lording It Over Us, John Portwright, Lord of Duxarse Manor “Come to think of it, aren’t you actually somebody’s vassal?”	Before We Debate Gun Control, We First Need to Agree on Some Terms Every serious argument needs a vocabulary.
	Selected scenes from Musical!—a one-man, one-act play “Yes, Mr. President, it sure is. Damned depressing.”	Keeping Hal in Halloween The true meaning of Halloween has become obscured.	Uh, oh. It’s magic. “A round of applause for the woman who sneezed!”
The Worst Defense “I might have forgotten all about criminal law...”	This Winter, I’m Going to Wear a Sweater Vest “Really? Why? Are you going to be an adjunct professor?”	Qu’accuse...! An Open Letter From Mrs. Mallard’s First Brood We hired a private duck to tail you, Mr. Mallard.	The Great Vowel Grift “Advertising today is ineffectual rubbish.”
Life Is for the Livers Why are we here? What comes next? Where, exactly, is “here”?	Founder’s Remarks Upon Cutting the Ribbon at the 1-800-BURGERS.biz... ...Flagship Store at 47th Street and Broadway.		If You Like X... Let’s be honest right up front: X was a tough sell.
The New Manuscript Formatting Standard Never bold anything, except to call attention to it.	Reading Group Guide to Accompany My Forthcoming Novella Do you think the author is a good writer?	Spoiler Alert! Welcome to the first edition of “1,000 Words, 0 Spoilers.”	“Back Off, Man. I'm a Franchisor.” Dear Drs. Stantz, Spengler, and Venkman...
Testimonials Our Image Consultant Told Us to Leave Off the Firm’s Website “Who knew that you can actually bribe a judge?”	Casi-NO Royale Really, Mr. Fleming: SMERSH?	Picking the Right One Fifty-six friends from high school? That’s ridiculous.	Create My Own Pasta? Assolutamente! My pasta will be square, flat, and made of beef.
So Who Wants a Tepper Bros. Bread Torus Already? Of course we’ve got flagels and squagels!	The Buffoon and the Countryman and Another Countryman How, exactly, would the Countryman best the Buffoon?		Matthew David Brozik Wordsmithy. Fictioneer. Lone Punman.

(Plus: Pieces Past Their Prime!)

Extinct/Distinct I mean this in the most scientific way possible: Duh.	If Battleship Makes Any Money at All... Jenga is Die Hard in a building....	Spatial Profiling Excuse me? 715 exoplanets? Seven hundred fifteen?	Circle of Lunch I have no intention of sugar-coating the gruesome facts.
	Frag Fiction An Irish child frolicking in a heather field last spring....	Right Typers Is every single thing about your current computer distracting?	Giraffes Are Elephants, Too The letters of ELEPHANT can be rearranged to spell GIRAFFE.
Saddest. Movie. Ever. Ideally, when people leave the theater, it will be raining.	In With the Nuance You’re either moving forward or you’re moving backward.	A Little Pizza Advice Always take napkins. Lots and lots of napkins.	Fair Is Fair Perhaps we could step behind that deep-fried rennet stand...
Lost and Found The Higgs boson has turned up among Amelia Earhart’s effects.	A Reporter Resigns With a heavy heart, Clark Kent leaves the Daily Planet.	The Real Problem You’re on a game show and given the choice of 3 doors...	Swindler’s List Supervillain replaced bald eagle with fake: Los Angeles police.
The Impertinence of Being Steve Steve is a friend of mine from college. You don’t know him.	C-3PO Answers Your Questions How long ago, and how far, far away, exactly?	Coming Soon: 2015! Back to the Future Part II gave the world a prescient preview.	Second Chance in the First Degree Let the record show that I’m winking at the interviewee.
Advice for the Daughter I Actually Have “Do not fall in love with anyone who lives on an asteroid.”	Please, Czech Your Facts Read this, in order not to be confused.	Hoang Jury Juror number 7, you used to be a woman. And now you’re a man.	Viral Rivalry “How come we never hear about East Nile Virus?”
Downhill After Death The late Frank Capra’s best days are behind him.	Perfect Time for Change The previous perfect time for a change was this time last year.	How I Meted Your Mother “Kids, it’s only fair that I tell you how I disposed of her corpse.”	Door Prices Baseball players are to use the sliding door.