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“From the moment when I came to in my hospital bed with two broken legs, a shattered femur, and a slight headache, to the moment I received my two-thirds of the settlement money paid out by the company whose drunk truck driver ran me off the road, less expenses, one lawyer or another from Brazen & Eager, LLP was by my side, looking out for me, standing up for me, and keeping me out of the sight of insurance investigators who didn’t have my best interests in mind, I’m sure. Brazen & Eager did, though.”

 – James S.

“I met with a lot of lawyers when I’d decided to divorce my husband, and I think every one of them promised to hold my hand throughout the lengthy, difficult legal process, but only Greg—Mr. Brazen—held my hand throughout the initial consultation. And only Mr. Brazen took me to lunch afterward, and made sure I got home safely, and made sure my husband wasn’t home, and then came inside with me. His concern was touching.”

 – Patricia J.

“Señores Eager mantiene una pistola cargada en el cajón de su escritorio. ¿Por qué?”

 – Julio F.

“They say the third time’s the charm, but for me is was actually the fourth. That is, the first three times someone from Brazen & Eager called my house to ask if I’d been injured by the new prescription drug Phrephalin, I told them no and asked them not to call again. The next time they called, though... well, as it happened, I had by then been seriously harmed by that drug! You see, between the third phone call and the fourth, several free samples of Phrephalin had arrived in my mailbox....”

 – Robert W.

“I’ve taken a number of acting classes in my time, but none of them compared to the coaching I got from Ron Eager. He had me memorize not only my testimony, but also exactly when to pause, when to cry, when to roll my eyes, when to faint... and I’ll never forget the only three phrases he permitted me to utter on cross-examination: ‘No,’ ‘I don’t know,’ and ‘I can’t recall.’ And picturing opposing counsel in leather bondage gear absolutely did put me at ease, as Mr. Eager had promised it would!”

 – Michael B.

“Who knew that you can actually bribe a judge? Brazen & Eager knew.”

 – Richard D.

“Two very hardworking associates of the firm spent several hours every day for several weeks at my home and office helping me collect, organize, and burn all of the documents that would have contradicted my allegations. Nice young men. Very polite and professional.”

 – Mary W.

“There once were twelve men in Missouri,
Each one of them burning with fury.
He’s guilty! they cried.
I’d yet to be tried!
But whiskey can soften a jury.”

 – Charles M.

“Words alone can not adequately express how grateful I am for the work that the lawyers, paralegals, and staffers of Brazen & Eager did on my behalf. Because I was destitute, they agreed to represent me for free—I paid not one penny, but I didn’t get anything less than the best efforts of everyone at the firm. While my case was still pending, I was evicted from my home and had no family to take me in. Mr. Brazen let me stay, rent-free, in one of the apartments in a building he owns, and Mr. Eager gave me all of his late mother’s clothing, which he’d saved after she passed away. He said I reminded him of her. Whenever I needed to visit the office, a car would pick me up and then bring me back home again. When my case finally went to trial, we won—but the company that had made the sewing machine that had mangled my hand had already declared bankruptcy, so I collected no money. Mr. Brazen and Mr. Eager opened a bank account for me and deposited $10,000 in it to help me get back on my feet. God bless them. They are angels among men.”

 – Linda T.

Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.

Read more humor here. Or read some fiction here.