Right Typers

“Find it... impossible to focus when writing on your computer? You now have a dedicated device to help you shut out the social networks and other distractions: Plunk down $549 and you’ll get a smart typewriter that lets you cut out non-essentials while keeping the conveniences of modern tech.” – “The smart typewriter is here,” Engadget.com

Writerfolk, is it simply unfeasible for you to get your wordsmithing done because your modern conveniences are just too modern and convenient? Because the technology you spent your slowly-accumulated freelancing fees on is too advanced? Because you still have some of that money left, and we want it? Well, don’t you worry about any of that for even a little bit longer, and especially not if it will keep you from crafting that perfect listicle or open letter. The solution to your real and not at all invented problem is almost certainly one of these new products, each more “smart” than the last and also the next, somehow.

What’s the single greatest distraction that keeps you from being productive when you’re working at your computer, men and women of letters? You might think it’s the Internet, but chances are you’ve already got on your hard drive all the pirated movies still in theaters you’d need to keep from writing anything for hours, if not days. You can’t remove your computer’s hard drive, though, of course. But remove your computer’s screen and it’ll be just you and your keyboard, the perfect duo for doing! TypeX-Sighter® retails for just $629.

Scribes and scribblers, why is it that every time you start a sentence of your current opus, magnum or otherwise, something comes to your attention and practically demands that you express an opinion about it online? The seasonal café drink you just ordered that used to be better... a sudden Supreme Court vacancy in an election year... scarves—the world needs your thoughts, but the window for posting the same is already closing. And if you divert your attention to putting your feelings about the latest film series reboot into words, or even just 140 characters, that’s attention you’re not giving your masterwork. What you need is GripeWriter® ($299), an elegantly simple random complaint generator, customizable for a variety of lengths and levels of disdain, each of which can be sent into the world with one click and zero thought. (Also available: HypeWriter® [$249], so you won’t be distracted by having to talk up your own work-in-progress on social media.)

They say the first novel is the hardest. Indeed, if you haven’t already written a novel, what makes you think that the one you’re writing now is going to be any good? The reasons to doubt your ability to even finish a novel-length work of fiction are legion, and doubt is distracting... but we cracked this nut, too. GhostWriter® (formerly FreeRider™) is a portable, hot-swappable storage stick that comes with a complete, unique novel on it. If your self-confidence ever dips too low for you to keep on keeping on, just plug in this lifeline, press “I Agree” to pay $20,000, and watch as “your” first novel is copied to your own device. And just like that, you’re working on your second novel!

Is Every. Single. Thing about your current computer distracting? If it’s not the ergonomic design, then it’s the long battery life. (How are you supposed to concentrate when you’re constantly glancing at that icon, wondering if your charge will ever dip below 95%? What sorcery is this?) Or maybe it’s the quiet, almost imperceptible clicks of the keyboard keys that keeps you from depressing any of them, much less enough of them, in the proper order, to form a word. But, now that you think about it, you haven’t bought a new device in... has it been five years already? That’s too long. You need Box™ For $1,149 you’ll get the very same sturdy, branded container that computers come in—with all the internal packaging—only without the computer. And this way, once you place each component of your purchase into the appropriate recycling container, there will be absolutely nothing left to distract you from the constructive, creative work you were put on this Earth to do.

Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.

Read more humor here. Or read some fiction here.