Thank you for choosing to send your package via the United States Postal Service. We know that you have choices, and of those choices the USPS is often the least cost-effective, reliable, and cool. But whatever your reason—perhaps you are a hipster mailing something ironically—we’ll do our federal governmental best to serve your needs.

That said, there are some things you’re not allowed to send through the U.S. mails. Restricted materials come in a wide variety of forms and can be chemical, biological, radioactive, or some thrilling combination of two or more of these. An example of a (banned) chemical is hydrogen—a highly combustible, diatomic gas. Something that is both chemical and biological is a hot dog. And something that is chemical, biological, and radioactive is Spider-Man’s blood. You may not mail Spider-Man’s blood. And we don’t even want to know how you got it in the first place.

But even many common household and consumer products may not be mailed. These materials might not be dangerous on your shelf at home, or under your sink, or in your garage, or in the trunk of your car, or under your floorboards, or in your pants pocket, but they might become a hazard when shaken or exposed to temperature or pressure changes. The following are some examples of household products that may be mailed, but with specific restrictions:

• Aerosols may be mailed but they must be packed tightly and securely so that the pressurized contents do not escape and make USPS vehicles smell like “Fresh Linen,” “Alaskan Springtime,” or any kind of tropical citrus blend.


• Perfumes containing alcohol are subject to inspection and consumption by USPS personnel.


• Paints must be mailed in hermetically sealed containers because spilled paint just gets everywhere like you wouldn’t believe. Mailed paints must be water-based.


• Matches. Why are you mailing matches? Is someone you know unable to walk into any store or restaurant on any street anywhere and ask for a book of matches, which every business in the world gives out for free?


• Certain glues, but we’re not going to tell you which ones. We want you to be surprised at the Post Office counter! Surprises are fun.

Examples (only) of non-mailable items include: air bags (both the vehicle safety device and simple bags filled with air); ammunition; explosives; and gasoline. If you ever need to send airbags, ammunition, explosives, and gasoline somewhere, however, please inform USPS personnel, because that sounds like a hell of a party and we want to be there.

Besides hazardous materials and restricted matter, there is also perishable matter, which is anything that can deteriorate in the mail and thereby lose value and/or cause an obnoxious odor, nuisance, or disturbance under ordinary mailing conditions. Some perishable matter may nevertheless be sent at the mailer’s own risk when it is packaged as required.

• Animals: Generally speaking, the rule regarding mailing live animals is “Four legs good, two legs bad.” The mailing of dead animals is permitted as long as the carcasses are packed in odor-absorbent materials. Bees—live or dead—may not be mailed. Each mailpiece containing animal material must be clearly labeled with a description of the contents (“Live Cows,” “Dead Ducks,” “No Bees,” etc.). The USPS will not be responsible for finding good homes for any undeliverable animals.


• Fresh food is unlikely to arrive uneaten, if it smells like and is brownies.


• Eggs are permitted in domestic mail subject to the following conditions:
1. They are individually cushioned.
2. They are not likely to be harmed by anticipated temperature changes while in Postal Service custody.
3. They will not hatch during transit and release hideous and/or carnivorous creatures that will pose a risk to Postal Service personnel.


• Meats and meat products sent through the mail must be labeled (“chuck,” “rib,” “short loin,” “brisket,” “sirloin,” “tenderloin,” “round,” “shank,” “flank,” “tongue,” “tail,” etc.) and accompanied by an appropriate quantity of barbecue sauce and potatoes.


• Plants: The USDA imposes quarantines on specific plants to prevent the introduction of agricultural diseases or pests into the United States and to prevent their spread from one part of the United States to another. Remember the movie The Thing from Another World? That was a true story. And that’s why there are rules about mailing plants... and things that look like plants.

Please note: Criminal penalties are specified in Title 18 of the United States Code for mailing anything that is non-mailable. We have a saying: “Don’t use the mail if you can’t go to jail.”

The U.S. Postal Service. We’re sorry, there’s no record of that in our system.™

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Matthew David Brozik wrote this and many other short humor pieces, which have been published in print and online by The New Yorker, Adult Swim, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Grin & Tonic, The Big Jewel, and no one.

Read more humor here. Or read some fiction here.