click tracking

HUMOR, short

"If it was rejected, it’s here."

Brian Lucas Is Alive—Not Undead—and Well in Legal

I may have stopped breathing, in the technical sense.

This Might Be Literary
Fiction Because There Are
No Dinosaurs

There is in fact no action of any kind in forty magazine pages.

Predators Will Be
Your Editors

Famously long literature shortened by dinosaurs.

a detectionary tale


A Good Pun Is Hard to Find

But very rewarding.

I Have No Idea How to Celebrate Your 6irthday

I’m not making fun or anything—honestly, I’m not.

Chasing the Egg MacGuffin

“I need two hundred dollars
and a shower,” I said.

Personal Statements

for Inclusion With Applications
for [Major Life Opportunity]

Now Watch This!

Most incredible. Timepiece. Ever.

You Have to Tell
Me if You’re a Cop

Are you a cop? If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.

Hamlet and Costello

Welcome to Yorick’s House
of Gibes & Gambols!

Coming Soon:

For readers of all ages
(but mainly kids 7 to 9).

Paying Two Million Dollars to Option Blank Book Might Have Been a Mistake

We won’t deny that mistakes might have been made.

One Star Too Many

The Sea Girt Motor Lodge
is nothing of the sort.

Even Though I Won the Lottery, I‘m Not Going to Quit My Job

The odds of winning
are 175,711,536 to 1.

The Meshugge Foes of

‘Nuff said, Jew believers!

A, B, etC.

“Enjoy! Or don’t.
I couldn’t care less.”

Flagging Interest

This incident prompted me to review the rules of flag protocol.

Our New Zoo Is Now
No-Pun for Business

“You really should check out these otters!”

My Lottery Ticket Was Defective, So I’m Going to Need My Dollar Back

I’m not poor, but I’m not what you’d call “good with money.”

Acute Patience

I have just returned home
from a visit with my doctor.

“Blow a whistle
while you work...”

Whistleblowing is encouraged by the federal government

You Should Be
Ashamed of Myself

I have a bachelor of arts degree in rotary lawn mower repair.


1 ACROSS: Month we met
9 DOWN: STD you gave me

I Misread Your
Craigslist Posting...

I suppose I should apologize
for sending this email.

The Incorporated Village
of Back Bight Park
“Welcomes” You

Humming is not permitting. Singing is a capital offense.

Official Rules for My New Online Multiplayer Letter Tile Game, Angry Words

There’s no J, no X, only one V, and seven fewer Es.

Do What You Love,
Charges Might Follow

Does every week start with the Monday Morning Blues?

TV Tried

Nine television shows coming and going soon.

Shh! New Rules for This  Railroad’s Expanded
“Quiet Car” Program

Remain calm and take only infrequent, shallow breaths.


Don’t worry: We don’t expect you to fight rats for scraps!

• • •  — — —  • • • 

The unthinkable happens to the unsinkable.

Pardon Me, Would You Mind Not Comparing...

... my newborn daughter’s stool to Grey Poupon?

Straight Answers to Some More Rhetorical Riddles

Why wouldn’t you read
this piece?

Taking You for a Ride

New fares and fare policies take effect tomorrow!

Putting the Y in TEAM

When we’re done, everyone gets a trophy!

Camping Season

They sell tents, stoves, food, and clothes in stores, don’t they?

F.A.Q.: Welcome to the
Black & White Zoo!

Isn’t this zoo racist? This seems pretty racist.

We’re Raising Your Subscription Price, But We’ve Updated Our Icon!

I’m writing to assure you that, yes, we are raising our prices.

Choose Your Own Advantage

If you’re “ethnic,” click here.
If you’re not “ethnic,” click here.

The Four New Fallacies

Contrary to popular belief, not everything is about sex.

A Timely Confession

I think about sex only
every nine seconds.

To Those Whose Bathroom Telephone Conversations I've Disrupted...

An open letter.
Maybe too open.

Can You Ship It?

Bees—live or dead—may
not be mailed.

“Boner Jones,
Attorney at Large“

This being Act One of the pilot episode.

No, I Am Not Batman...!

As most of you know, Batman is a fictional character.

No* Fee** Until***
You Win****

Hire the lawyers of Oppen & Schutt, LLP.

Paying for the Urb: FAQs

This is the opera, not a monster truck rally.

This Year, Let’s Get the Memo Back Into 
Memorial Day

The best-known memo is the Gettysburg Announcement.

Staten Island:
A Visitor’s Guide

You can’t make this stuff up.

We’re Sick of You Lording It Over Us, John Portwright, Lord of Duxarse Manor

“Come to think of it, aren’t you actually somebody’s vassal?”

Before We Debate Gun Control, We First Need to Agree on Some Terms

Every serious argument needs
a vocabulary.

Selected scenes from Musical!—a one-man,
one-act play

“Yes, Mr. President, it sure is. Damned depressing.”

 Keeping Hal in Halloween

The true meaning of Halloween has become obscured.

 Uh, oh. It’s magic.

“A round of applause for the woman who sneezed!”

The Worst Defense

“I might have forgotten all about criminal law...”

This Winter, I’m Going to Wear a Sweater Vest

“Really? Why? Are you going to be an adjunct professor?”

An Open Letter From Mrs. Mallard’s First Brood

We hired a private duck to tail you, Mr. Mallard.

The Great Vowel Grift

“Advertising today is
ineffectual rubbish.”

Life Is for the Livers

Why are we here? What comes next? Where, exactly, is “here”?

Founder’s Remarks Upon Cutting the Ribbon at the

...Flagship Store at 47th Street and Broadway.

If You Like X...

Let’s be honest right up front:
X was a tough sell.

The New Manuscript Formatting Standard

Never bold anything, except to call attention to it.

Reading Group Guide
to Accompany My
Forthcoming Novella

Do you think the author is a good writer?

 Spoiler Alert!

Welcome to the first edition of “1,000 Words, 0 Spoilers.”

“Back Off, Man.
I'm a Franchisor.”

Dear Drs. Stantz, Spengler,
and Venkman...

Testimonials Our Image Consultant Told Us to Leave Off the Firm’s Website

“Who knew that you can actually bribe a judge?”

Casi-NO Royale

Really, Mr. Fleming: SMERSH?

Picking the Right One 

Fifty-six friends from high school? That’s ridiculous.

Create My Own Pasta? Assolutamente! 

My pasta will be square, flat, and made of beef.

So Who Wants a Tepper Bros. Bread Torus Already?

Of course we’ve got flagels
and squagels!

The Buffoon and the Countryman and Another Countryman

How, exactly, would the Countryman best the Buffoon?


Wordsmithy. Fictioneer.
Lone Punman.

(Plus: Pieces Past Their Prime!)


I mean this in the most scientific way possible: Duh.

If Battleship Makes
Any Money at All...

Jenga is Die Hard
in a building....

Spatial Profiling

Excuse me? 715 exoplanets?
Seven hundred fifteen?

Circle of Lunch

I have no intention of sugar-coating the gruesome facts.

Frag Fiction

An Irish child frolicking in a heather field last spring....

Right Typers

Is every single thing about your current computer distracting?

Giraffes Are Elephants, Too

The letters of ELEPHANT can be rearranged to spell GIRAFFE.

Saddest. Movie. Ever.

Ideally, when people leave the theater, it will be raining.

In With the Nuance

You’re either moving forward or you’re moving backward.

A Little Pizza Advice

Always take napkins. Lots and lots of napkins.

Fair Is Fair

Perhaps we could step behind that deep-fried rennet stand...

Lost and Found

The Higgs boson has turned up
among Amelia Earhart’s effects.

A Reporter Resigns

With a heavy heart, Clark Kent leaves the Daily Planet.

The Real Problem

You’re on a game show and given the choice of 3 doors...

Swindler’s List

Supervillain replaced bald eagle with fake: Los Angeles police.

The Impertinence
of Being Steve

Steve is a friend of mine from college. You don’t know him.

C-3PO Answers
Your Questions

How long ago, and how far, far away, exactly?

Coming Soon: 2015!

Back to the Future Part II gave the world a prescient preview.

Second Chance in the
First Degree

Let the record show that I’m winking at the interviewee.

Advice for the Daughter
I Actually Have

“Do not fall in love with anyone who lives on an asteroid.”

Please, Czech Your Facts

Read this, in order not
to be confused.

Hoang Jury

Juror number 7, you used to be a woman. And now you’re a man.

Viral Rivalry

“How come we never hear about East Nile Virus?”

Downhill After Death

The late Frank Capra’s best days are behind him.

Perfect Time for Change

The previous perfect time for a change was this time last year.

How I Meted Your Mother

“Kids, it’s only fair that I tell you how I disposed of her corpse.”

Door Prices

Baseball players are to
use the sliding door.